The 6 Ingredients to a Happy & Healthy Relationship
Have you ever taken your relationship for granted? Choosing to pay attention to everything else around you but that person who truly matters. Maybe you set a couples night out with your friend without consulting your partner and just assumed they would be fine with this or you did something you clearly knew would upset your partner however you justified your actions by telling yourself that they would eventually get over it.
Over time, these behaviors can cause destruction to a relationship. Rather than moving toward filling what Gottman calls the “Love tank,” you end up creating more conflict and disconnect with your partner. For there to be a happy and healthy relationship, you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to put the investment into your relationship. If the answer to this question is yes, then read on to learn The 6 essential ingredients to a Happy & Healthy Relationship.
Let me start of by first saying that “Relationships Take Work.” Anyone who has ever worked with me through coaching or therapy, knows that I’m a true believer in the idea that If you put the hard work into anything in life, you’ll get to receive the rewards of your hard work. This can be applied to any relationship whatsoever, a friendship, collegial or a romantic relationship. For today however, I’d like to spend time adddressing romantic relationships. Take a look at the 6 elements I’ve listed below to help guide you as you work on this investment into your relationship.
1. Trust
In no way can a relationship flourish without there being trust. For this reason TRUST is first on this list. When there is trust, all other elements will follow like security and stability. Those who have had their trust broken in the past, know just how hard this is to repair. Broken trust will always leave room for doubt and insecurity. Work your hardest to maintain trust and those relationships where trust has been broken, you must work twice as hard to repair it. But once trust is established, that bond between you and your partner will be stronger than ever and you’ll be able to ride the waves together.
2. Openness
We all have our own thoughts and beliefs. That’s what makes us unique human beings. We all think differently and have interests that may be similar or different from others. How open are you in hearing of your partners differences? Are you immediately shutting them down because their opinions are unlike yours or do you allow yourself to be open, while considering another point of view? I don’t want you to think that you need to agree with everything your partner is saying. What I do want you to know is that the minute you dismiss your partner, friction and conflict will arise. Remember, no one likes to have their ideas shut down nor does it feel good to feel like your thoughts and comments hold no true value. You can have your own voice and choose to disagree however you must do this in a way that does not dismiss or devalue your partners own perspective. You might say something like, “I never really considered that option babe. Can you tell me more about the reason you feel so strongly about that to really help me understand?”
3. Maintain a healthy balance with your EGO
Psychology 101 teaches all about that EGO. Anyone who took psychology in school, is familiar with the EGO. The Ego is part of our conscious mind. It relates to our sense of self-importance or self-esteem. If you don’t keep the EGO in check, it can look as though you are egotistical or as though you have a “Big Ego.” You might have heard this saying, “He’s so full of himself!” Not having control of your EGO can ruin your relationships. When the ego is out of control, you might do things like fighting to have the last word because you need to be right all the time or being persistent and not letting go of a topic because you can’t admit you were wrong or because you simply don’t do apologies. It’s great to have a positive sense of self, where you feel good about the person you are however don’t ever forget that you are not alone. There is another person in this picture. You’ve chosen to be in a relationship with another individual, meaning there are two. The expectation is that not only do you show concern for yourself but you also work toward giving that other person you care about the love, respect and acknowledgement they deserve. Yes, you do this at all times, especially during times of anger and upset.
4. Vulnerability
The word Vulnerability has been pretty popular for me these days. There’s a reason I find myself talking so often about vulnerability both in my coaching and therapy sessions. When someone is vulnerable, the authentic self appears. The real you comes out. There’s no pretend and nothing falsified. You show your partner your true self, your flaws, your vulnerabilities, and limitations. This allows relationships to function on an authentic level. You and your partner mutually understand that there is no one that is PERFECT in the relationship. In fact, the beauty is in our ability to learn from our past mistakes, in our decisions to grow from our challenges and in our desires to embrace our flaws.
5. Negotiation
Negotiations don’t just happen in contractual agreements. While relationships are not business contracts and should not be treated as so, we must keep in mind that negotiations are very much necessary in any given relationship—business or personal. For the sake of this article, know that we cannot and should not go into our romantic relationships believing that we get to have the final word or the final say. Working with couples for over 2 decades, I’ve seen the destruction when couples refuse to negotiate. If you’re looking to do everything your way, no matter what, then please rethink your relationship. Relationship involve compromise and yes, we do need to bend at times. You will not always see eye to eye nor will you agree on the same issues all the time. If you hold on to the understanding that there will be times when compromise and negotiation is needed, and you allow yourself to be available to this suggestion, then you’ll be heading towards a stronger relationship.
6. Partnership
A partnership involves 2 individuals working together on a common goal. Unfortunately, this can often be forgotten. “You do your own thing and I’ll do mine,” is a common statement that can arise out of anger between couples. When 2 people don’t agree, it may seem a lot easier in the moment, to go their separate ways. Rather than staying together as a team, they ended up splitting. Couples may choose sides or may go on with their day living the way that is convenient for them. I’ve worked with parents who can’t agree on areas relating to parenting and who have completely opposite parenting views. One parent may use time- outs regularly while the other finds it easier to just ignore the behavior. “You discipline the kids the way you choose when they’re with you and when they’re with me, I’ll do what I think is right.” In no way is this response working as a team. In fact, you’re setting yourself up for failure. What about the person who is often saying YES to outside requests from family and friends without ever checking in with their partner? Notice how I say, checking in. This is not a parenting relationship. You’re not looking to ask for permission as a child would do to their parent. You are living a life together and out of respect for your partner, it’s expected that you have discussion around how you spend your time and the things that are happening in your life.
Let’s recap on the Ingredients needed for a strong, thriving relationship. There’s Trust, Openness, keeping the EGO in check, allowing for Vulnerability to exist, Negotiation, and working in a Partnership.
Work hard and strong to get through the tough times together. Reach towards one another for love and support when things are hard. Rather than adding chaos to conflict, look to find resolve and to understand. If you’re having trouble and need extra support, coaching or therapy can help!
Always remember that when you succeed together that’s a WIN!