BOUNDARIES in Relationships
Boundaries is a topic that for many, stirs up frustration, anger and overwhelm. A family member...a partner... a colleague... a friend… All of whom may have 1 thing in common, which is consistently “Crossing the Lines” or “Crossing Boundaries.”
For the sake of this article, I'd like for you to think back to a time in your life when someone in your circle overstepped their place. This person may have disregarded your feelings, may have taken advantage of your kindness, or violated what for you was your personal space. You may not have been able to put a label on it back then however there is a possibility that BOUNDARIES may have been crossed.
In my work with clients and in my life as a human being, I come across many situations where boundaries are crossed. I believe it’s important to be able to detect when unhealthy interactions take place so that we are better able to protect ourselves and make intentional choices around how we live our lives.
Take a look at the list of ways in which boundaries can be crossed...
Being intrusive and not respectful of one’s privacy.
Telling a person what to do without regard for their actual feelings.
Being demanding and not respectful of someone’s time (ie: always showing up late).
Making comments despite knowing that the person is offended or uncomfortable.
Using name calling, guilt tactics or giving unsolicited advice.
Sharing confidential information without the person’s permission.
Sacrificing one’s own belief and not considering the other person.
Blaming others rather than taking accountability for your own problems.
(These examples only name a few of many more that can follow).
Boundaries crossed is a clear indication that change is very much needed. There can be risk to our emotional and psychological well-being if we ignore or disregard how we are treated by others. Feelings such as anger, resentment and jealousy may show up on an unconscious level and you may find these emotions difficult to control. You may notice continuous tension in your relationship and may even be considering severing ties. Not every relationship however, needs to be ended especially if clear boundaries are put in and well respected by the other person.
If you have someone in your circle that is not respecting your own boundaries, know that there are steps you can take to set firmer boundaries. Here are some key reminders to help you along the way:
Be clear with yourself about the boundaries being crossed.
Be direct in explaining what exactly is happening (ie: “I’m not okay with you calling me a jerk.”
Back up boundary setting not just with your words but also with action.
Resist the urge to debate or defend yourself
Resist the urge to over explain.
Make yourself a priority.
Learn to say NO.
Protect your time by not overcommitting.
If a part of you is feeling uncomfortable or bothered, speak up.
If you are caught up in an emotional cycle of pain and are not able to think rationally, seek outside support.
Unfortunately, not everyone will be receptive to the new YOU and that’s okay. While some may react with resistance, others will be more accepting and willing to change their behaviors and actions toward you. For those who challenge you, It’s important for you to stand your ground. Be true to yourself and to what you believe in.
Do you want to improve your life but you don’t know where or how to start? Call Candida @ 917-834-6211 to set up a therapy or coaching session.