Learn to Get Through Tough Talks with your Partner

I’ve been working with couples for over 20 years now and the question I seem to get over and over again is, “How do I get my partner to listen to me?” 

Many of my clients come in with frustration because their feelings are either ignored or dismissed. During times of talk with their partners, they may say too much, too little, or nothing at all.   Their words tend to lose value and become meaningless. I see very often how simple dialogue can turn into complex, argumentative behaviors. This does not need to be your outcome! There are ways for you to communicate so that your partner actually hears your concerns.   I’ll show you 4 effective steps you can take in any relationship to ensure that you are communicating at best with your partner:

4 Crucial Steps Needed to have tough talks with your partner:  

1-Make sure that your conversations are 2 way conversations and not just directed in your favor. 

Remember, we all want to be heard. Just imagine the last time someone shared their point of view with you.  You may have had an opinion or a thought that you wanted to express however, what if you were told to keep quiet.  Remaining silent would only succumb to feelings of anger and bitterness. We need to allow others to contribute their ideas, thoughts and feelings as well. After all, this is a relationship and as we all know, relationships involve 2 or more people.

2-Use Filter when speaking

It’s not always necessary to speak of everything and anything that comes to your mind.  In fact, you should choose between what’s necessary to disclose and what needs to be taken elsewhere (like to your therapist, your journal, or a friend).  You can be honest and direct in a way that will not disrespect or disregard your partner's feelings. Unfiltered words can lead to hurt, disrespect, and resentfulness.  Hurtful words can leave a lasting scar which may or may not be reversible. Think back to a time when a friend or partner scarred you with their words. How did that make you feel?  Were you ever able to forget? Choose your words wisely and compassionately because those words can have a long term & everlasting effect. 

3-Let go of defensiveness. 

Your innate reaction when hearing what you view as a criticism may be to defend yourself.  You may go into protective mode, seeking survival however this is not always needed. Listen with open and nonjudgmental ears so that you can truly understand what is being shared by your partner.  If he/she is not ready to have that tough conversation, take time to understand their reasoning. You must not forget just how unique your partner is. They think differently, they have their own experiences and their own set of beliefs & values.  Remembering this will keep you engaged in the conversation and not in your own head.

4-Stay present with the Issues. 

Have you ever had an argument with your partner where you originally start talking about one topic and end up arguing about something entirely different?  The argument for example may have started with your partner coming home late and then ended with you accusing your partner of not loving you enough. The issue of lateness just transformed into an entirely different problem.  It easy for problems to multiply into larger and more complex ones, especially when the issue at hand gets lost. For that reason, remain focused and in touch with the actual issues.

Relationships take work and require just as much time and effort as anything else in life.  If you’re one that is looking for a healthy and thriving relationship, then be sure to put the investment in.  

(PS--you can use these steps not just for your partners, but for your children, friends, and colleagues as well)

Candida R. Diaz, LCSW-R is the Founder of Face to Face Counseling and Psychotherapy, where she specializes in helping & supporting Women to create a Thriving Life for themselves. For more information, visit https://www.facetofacecounseling.com/