Create a Stronger bond with your young adult
I wrote this article with the utmost compassion and empathy for all those parents who are feeling stuck and confused around how to exist in relationships with their grown up sons and daughters. Parents, I am right with you as you observe just how quickly time is passing. Yes, your young one is changing right before your eyes! You're seeing that they’re all grown up and living life in a way that may look quite different from what you have envisioned for them.
You may be perceiving the choices of your son or daughter to be wrong, may be seeing a bit of rebelling or even getting some push back from them. Questions similar to the ones below may be on repeat dial in your head:
“Why doesn’t he/she just listen to me? I went through this and I know.”
“How do I treat him/her like an adult if they’re not acting like one?”
“Is this what it's going to be like now that they’re all grown up?"
What’s most likely happening is that your young one has started living life according to their terms and not according to your standards. For them, this a time that reflects excitement and a time that can signify what they see as freedom & independence. For parents however, this stage of life may represent something completely opposite. Words like FEAR-Anxiety-Worry-Sadness-Loss are more of the common words I so often hear.
It's "bittersweet," was a comment made by one of my former clients in this very stage of life.
"What do I do now with myself?" These were the words that came from Sandra, a current therapy client.
Another client I coached named Angie, used the word “abandonment” to describe the way she felt when her 18-year-old daughter went off to college.
Parents, I know you love your children unconditionally and want to be there to help them as they navigate what for them is this new adult world. It’s only natural for you to want to do what you are so good at—helping, leading, fixing, teaching, and the master list goes on. If however, you’re looking for a healthy, loving and well-rounded relationship with your adult son or daughter, the way you interact and approach your loved one has to change.
I’ll be honest in sharing that you will often worry about the choices your young adults make. You will also have sadness because they may no longer be around as often for events like family dinners or family outings. Many parents have shared with me a sense of anxiety and disappointment as they observe all these changes happening right before their eyes.
As a parent of 2 young adults, I completely get it. I understand all the changes you’re noticing, and I am sharing in the loss that we parents feel when children transition into adulthood. We've spent years telling our kids what to do, what to wear, whom to associate with, how to spend their time and so on. Whether the easy way or the hard way, change is a normal process that must be welcomed during this transition into adulthood.
You may have already recognized that your young one no longer requires the same of you or maybe this is new information that you’re hearing as you read this article. Either way, this is an important message for every parent to hear. This should be a time for you to pause, to reflect, and to adjust.
I’d like to back up a bit to the earlier statement above. Notice that I didn't say your adult son or daughter doesn’t need you anymore. I said they don't require the same of you. You see, there was a time when your toddler needed you to take them on playdates with their school classmates or to the store to buy school supplies like hand sanitizer, school snacks, marble notebooks, etc. They may have wanted you to go on a school trip with them to the museum or to the park so they could climb on the monkey bars and go down the slides. They may have needed your help with a school assignment or for you to prepare school lunch for them. I'm sure those were precious moments that you will always have with you to cherish. Times have surely changed and what you're most likely seeing is that your young one is no longer that child. He or she is now an adult with different needs.
As time passes, children get older and life for them (and the family) begins to shift into something that may initially appear foreign. You, as the parent are given a choice in this stage of life. You can either resist or you can allow yourself to integrate and adjust to this adult life that your young one is so eager to enter. Resistance if chosen, can cause friction and tension to any parent-son/parent-daughter relationship. Integration and adjustment, however, will allow for so much more of what loving parents desire. It will open the doors to a strong, closer and quality-based relationship.
This brings me to an important point of what we parents need to be mindful of... That is, the importance of shifting from the parent-child relationship to more of an adult-adult relationship. Your obligation is no longer to parent your child as you did during those toddler and teen years. Instead, your role is now to support, coach, and guide your adult son or daughter.
Listed below are 3 things you can start doing immediately to help in creating this strong, connected bond with your young adult:
1- Have more conversations (not lectures)
Believe me, there is a difference. In a conversation, there is dialogue and a flow that allows both parties to be heard. A lecture however involves you doing most of the talking. It can sound preachy, as though you are giving a lesson. This may not go so well with your young adult.
2- Pay attention to tone. If your voice is raised and/or elevated, you may be giving off vibes of superiority. Trust me when I say that this will create a power struggle that really isn’t necessary.
3- Express curiosity. Ask questions to understand and not to interrogate. When you are curious, you are showing your loved one that you respect them and want to be involved in their life. You’re showing them that you are interested in their experiences and in understanding their beliefs (you don’t need to agree with them, but you do need to respect their views as you would want them to respect yours).
You have done your job in teaching important family values along with beliefs that will guide your young adult in their life. Now it’s time for them to experience and make their own adult choices in life, with you by their side.